Day 1 of forever...

It's, obviously, been a very long and trying day. The first day, I'm realizing, of...feeling untethered to my roots. All the people responsible for my life, for me Having life, are now gone.. all my grandparents, and now, both my parents. My father passed 15 yrs ago this April 3.
Have been so busy with 'practical' matters today, I haven't stopped long to let what's happened penetrate very deep yet. Have feared this day for a very very long time...thought it actually might happen long ago, and thought I was prepared.... one never can be.

Thank you, dear friends, for your kind and loving words and thoughts sent my way. Many of you knew of my complicated relationship with mom... it was a difficult road at times, but, the love for and connection to a mother - there is nothing like it, and it can't ever be replaced. My mother, Carol, deserved so much more happiness than she ever got, and so much less pain. It's hard to be comforted by any form of the idea that I will never see her again, or hear her voice or feel her hugs - but I am if only because I know her suffering is over. And she is with some beloved beings, foremost her beloved pets - Gretchen, Heidi, Babi, and Choo Choo, who I know met her at the rainbow bridge.

I've taken great comfort from your support, my dear friends.. your words of love and understanding. It helps me to not feel so alone in the world... which, I can't help it, but I do to a degree, even though I have the most wonderful husband I could have ever wished for and a houseful of pets I couldn't breathe without.

For my Indiana friends, I will be coming there the week of April 11.
Though I tried to honour my mother's wishes, we are unable to donate her body to science because of the "miscommunication" with the F---ing funeral home. So she will be cremated and I will pick her up from Larry so that I can one day take her to places she only dreamed of going, yet could never manage to, such as Kauai where we got married.
I'll be staying at Elyse's.
Again, please keep mom in your thoughts and prayers. I know she is unafraid and is probably now the happiest she's ever been, but I want her to feel the love from us as she continues on...
all my love and gratitude... xoxo