WE HAD EIGHT YEARS OF BUSH AND CHENEY, NOW YOU GET MAD!?

You didn't get mad when the Supreme Court stopped a legal recount and
appointed a President.

You didn't get mad when Cheney allowed Energy company officials to dictate
energy policy.

You didn't get mad when a covert CIA operative got outed.

You didn't get mad when the Patriot Act got passed.

You didn't get mad when we illegally invaded a country that posed no threat to us.

You didn't get mad when we spent over 600 billion(and counting) on said illegal war.

You didn't get mad when over 10 billion dollars just disappeared in Iraq.

You didn't get mad when you found out we were torturing people.

You didn't get mad when the government was illegally wiretapping Americans.

You didn't get mad when we didn't catch Bin Laden.

You didn't get mad when you saw the horrible conditions at Walter Reed.

You didn't get mad when we let a major US city, New Orleans, drown.

You didn't get mad when we gave a 900 billion tax break to the rich.

You didn't get mad when the deficit hit the trillion dollar mark.

You finally got mad when the government decided that people in America deserved the right to see a doctor if they are sick. Yes, illegal wars, lies, corruption, torture, stealing your tax dollars to make the rich richer, are all okay with you, but helping other Americans...oh hell no.

Coping

well, it's been over a week now.
it pretty much consumes my thoughts... trying to make sense of it, trying to understand.
it becomes real when i remember the words - Diana, your mother passed away today.
I hear them over and over and over in my head. And I remember the immediate disbelief, that it can't be, must be a mistake.....WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE PASSED AWAY TODAY????????

i've been trying to go along with life as 'normal' - have had dogs to watch, things to do.. and now I'm beginning to plan our trip to Indiana to see Larry, etc.
and even that is fraught with conflicting feelings... this trip that I had indeed already been planning for this year, sometime this spring or early summer in fact, to see mom, to hopefully have a good visit, and spend some time when she Wasn't in the hospital, as the last 2 times I saw her/went to visit, she was.
but now here we are, Michael and I both planning to drive out there, spend a full week, to spend time with Larry, maybe help him around the house some, bringing one of my dogs along....
this is exactly what mom so wanted me to do, and what i Wanted to do, for a long time.
i had just about resigned myself to the fact that I just wasn't going to get her here to visit me in RI, to see my home, where we've lived for 7 years now, to meet all my pets, to go to the shore, maybe even see a Broadway show in NYC.... so many things, so much to share, so much to ask, to tell.....
of course, $$ hasn't been great for either of us for awhile. literally living paycheck to paycheck doesn't allow for making vacation plans, or even a long weekend away, with everything fucking thing so fucking expensive. yes, i chose to live 1,000 miles away, but.....

but somehow this year I was going to figure it out and get there. i had just told her about a month ago, so she could mentally begin preparing for it, and give her something to look forward to.

now, it's a different story altogether.
i haven't even begun to process how it's going to feel to drive into my hometown, to walk into my childhood home, and know she's not there. she's not anywhere. she's not at the hospital for me to go visit. she is, in fact, in a cardboard urn, next to 2 of her beloved pets, Babi and ChooChoo, on a table in the living room. her body, her essence, all that made my mom who she was..... it's forever gone, leaving only memories, and i suppose a few mementos.
i have no other family.
she was it. the last of my blood relatives.
that i speak to anyway.
Popo died in 1980, at about age 62. Momo in 1994, at about age 74. Dad in 1995, at age 55. My dad's parents died in like 1987 and 1997 or something... oddly enough, my great-grandmother, Sally Hazel Williams, just died in 2000, at about 1 month shy of turning 100 years old.
i have no siblings.
i do have many many cousins, and aunts and uncles, but i am not in contact with any of them. with the exception of one family, my cousins Patty Donna and Michael, who i just lost touch with - the rest of them are by choice. My mother's side of the family betrayed her many many times. And my father's side completely betrayed me after his death, and I will never forgive.

so, for me, my mother was it, my only family.
and now, i have to absorb this fact, that she has left me. she just passed away, literally, in her sleep, with no notice, no goodbyes, no...nothing. just, gone. here on minute, and gone the next, without a word.
so yes, i feel like an orphan.
at the moment, i don't want to dishonour my mother by talking about how i've actually felt alone for a very long time now, with neither she nor my father actually parenting me the way i ever wanted or needed. because i know she did her best. she really did, with what she knew, and what she was capable of, she did the best she could muster.
i have no doubts that she loved me beyond measure.
i do have doubts that she knew "I" loved her beyond measure.
and it's those reasons that i do and will hold bitterness, that so many people utterly and completely hurt and betrayed and scarred my mother that ultimately, she stopped being able to recover.

Here's the big family secret - and frankly, I wish everyone who ever knew my mom could read this and know, so perhaps they'd have a better understanding of how fucked up her life was:

My father, who she married at age 18, and who she adored and worshipped and would have done ANYTHING for - he had an affair with my grandmother. My mother's mother. WHILE my grandmother was living with my parents. Literally behind my mother's back. And not just a one-time fuck either. A full blown actual affair.

This happened, apparently, shortly before I was born. She's actually told me the story many times, I'd asked her to repeat it over and over during the years, because for some reason my brain can't contain the details completely. The years and details and timing gets muddled. But I do know the facts very clearly.
On the advice of her psychiatrist at the time, she first told me when I was about 13. She was severely depressed, on sick leave from her horrid awful fucking factory job at General Motors (who can fucking blame her for that, the despicable working conditions she and everyone else had there)... I didn't know this at the time, but she had already tried to commit suicide a couple times by then. I think she tried ultimately 3 times. I did know she spent a considerable amount of time in the mental hospital. I suppose my babysitters at the time could fill in some of those hazy facts for me, as I stayed with them for long terms. And I was shuffled off to visit my father and grandparents during the summers, so perhaps it was then. I don't recall.

But she told me, so that I would have some sort of understanding why she was so sad, and had such trouble coping with life. It was the incestuous affair of her beloved mother and her husband that did her in. Not that my grandfather was a violent alcoholic. Not that my grandmother was already a harlot, having wanton affairs because my grandfather was injured in WWII and she had "needs". Not even that she suspected he was already cheating on her with other women. Which of course he was.
Momo told her one drunken night to assuage her guilt. She couldn't hold it in any longer and HAD to tell mom. That bitch. She should've taken it to her grave.

Of course, as a young girl, I had great difficulty processing this, as I dearly loved all people involved to that point.
Before learning this, I'd already suffered another great loss - the demise of my mother's second marriage, when I was aged 2-7. He too was an alcoholic, and while she remained in love with him til her dying day to some degree, she divorced him, and therefore I lost access to him and his family. Until my mother's death, I still referred to him as "Dad", because that's who he was to me. But part of my decision to not have any funeral service for mom was because I didn't want of these fucking people who hurt and betrayed my mother over the years - Bob Vance, Elaine Wall and all the others who know damn well who they are - didn't want them waltzing in to offer their condolences when they couldn't offer my mother one fucking word of anything while she was still here, and she surely could've used anyone's kind words or acts of kindness. Instead, she got shit on over and over again.

So... she told me this big revelation, and swore me to secrecy. I was to never EVER utter a word of this to either Momo or Dad, esp. Dad, because if he found out I knew, she feared he would literally hunt her down and kill her. And, I believed her. And frankly, I still don't doubt that could've happened. If my dad did anything, he lived in utter and complete hypocrisy and secrecy.
I still spent summers with both of the culprits. Mom didn't want to deny me relationships with them, even though they hurt her so badly.
If I had been in her shoes, I would've cut them both off from the git-go - too fucking bad for them. Them's the breaks!

Just to wrap this cute little story up - believe it or not, it wasn't Momo's confession that ended my mother's marriage to dad. Someone called mom up and told her to go to such and such house, because dad's car was in front. She'd already suspected he was whoring around the entire town of Anderson, and she finally was going to confront him. She drove over, walked in the house, and literally found them in bed together. She told me that despite all the things he'd done, it was not until that very moment, that second, that she immediately fell out of love with him and never looked back.
Their divorce was final when I was 11 months old.
Six months after that, she began working at General Motors and did so for the next 22 years.

She deserved so much better.

She did get better, in a way, when she met and married Larry. I was 18 when they began dating. About to go off to college, so for 13 years, it had just been the two of us, and our dogs. My mother then, the woman she was then, is something I will talk about later. That was the woman I held in my memory, who I wanted back, as she later began to ebb deeper and deeper into her depression. She lost sight of who "Carol" was, and that made me sad for both of us. She lost her essense, any wholeness she may have held onto.
But when she met Larry, she had just broken up with a man she dated for 4 years, who I thought she would marry. But guess what??!! HE betrayed her completely too - the entire time they dated, and when I say dated, I mean he was a REGULAR part of our lives and us in his life, with his parents, his grown children, his grandchildren.... all those years, he had another life with another woman who he ended up marrying after he left my mother. Thanks for nothing Bob Richardson! Sorry you had to wither away into death from Alzheimers. Not! Fuck you.

Larry however brought laughter back to my mother. Our house was tiny, and my room was right next to the bathroom, sharing the wall. He came over one night to help her re-tile the shower/bathtub. Maybe even put up wallpaper too, I don't recall. But I was in bed, on a school night, but they were keeping me awake with their laughing. I hadn't heard her laugh in years. YEARS. He made her laugh. And he made her happy. He worshipped and adored her - I was told he crushed on her for many years before this... and she had finally found someone to give her the love and respect she had done without her whole life.
So, for that, and so much more, I am eternally grateful to them. They dated 4 years, then marrying in 1988.... This April 17, 2010, would have been their 22 wedding anniversary.
Larry and I, and his family, will be together on that day, to celebrate her life, and their life together.

I know mom did have some friends.. most of them via email in these last years. And I am sorry for their loss, as I know what a great friend she could be. I am sorry for Larry's loss, as they were joined at the hip and so needed each other. And for Larry's family, who, despite her prickliness at times, considered her part of their family, their 'grandma'.... she loved the 3 grandchildren and would tell me how they gave such good hugs.

...... to everyone else who ever knew mom, and hurt, left, betrayed or spoke ill of my mother -
FUCK. YOU. Don't call me, don't say a fucking word. Don't bother Larry. He doesn't deserve your fakeness.
She needed you, she trusted you, she loved you... and what did she get in return. FUCKED OVER. So, FUCK YOU.

Was that clear?
Do I sound bitter? Yeah, I'm fucking bitter. You're goddamned right I am.
My mother got a shitty raw deal out of a LOT of her too-short life. And you fucking people know who you fucking are. And I'm including the vast majority of her goddamned fucking DOCTORS in Anderson, Indiana. You ruined my mother. And fuck you too.
You know what you did, how you treated her, and I hope you sit with this and it haunts you the rest of your days.

Carolyn J. Musser

Born in Charleston, West Virginia on Nov. 29, 1942

Departed on Mar. 14, 2010 and resided in Anderson, IN.

Anderson - Carolyn J. "Carol" (Jarrett) Musser, 67, Anderson, died March 14, 2010 at her residence after an extended illness.

She was born November 29, 1942 in Charleston, West Virginia, and lived most of her life in Anderson.

Carol retired from Delco Remy Division of General Motors after 22 years of
service. She had a passion for the Madison County Humane Society and
Breast Cancer Awareness.

Survivors include her husband, whom she married April 17, 1988, Larry Musser, and daughter, Diana Simone (Michael)
of Cranston, Rhode Island.
She was preceded in death by her parents, Robert & Lillian Jarrett.

Carol will be cremated and returned to her daughter to be taken to a special place for her eternal rest.

Memorial contributions may be made to the Madison County Humane Society or Breast Cancer Awareness.

My beloved mother, Carol Jeanine Jarrett Harper Vance Musser

Just a brief note to let my loved ones know... i just found out my mom just passed away sometime this evening. I'm in shock and not sure what any plans are... will update when i can. please send her loving thoughts as she embarks on her new journey.... xoxo

(there's a pic of me and my mommy down below)
-------------------------

Please note - if you have any ideas or plans to donate your body to science/research, make it CLEAR that you do not want your body embalmed. That ruins the tissue and all chance to make a difference in other people's lives in that way. thanks a lot, Robert D. Loose funeral home! not.

Day 1 of forever...

It's, obviously, been a very long and trying day. The first day, I'm realizing, of...feeling untethered to my roots. All the people responsible for my life, for me Having life, are now gone.. all my grandparents, and now, both my parents. My father passed 15 yrs ago this April 3.
Have been so busy with 'practical' matters today, I haven't stopped long to let what's happened penetrate very deep yet. Have feared this day for a very very long time...thought it actually might happen long ago, and thought I was prepared.... one never can be.

Thank you, dear friends, for your kind and loving words and thoughts sent my way. Many of you knew of my complicated relationship with mom... it was a difficult road at times, but, the love for and connection to a mother - there is nothing like it, and it can't ever be replaced. My mother, Carol, deserved so much more happiness than she ever got, and so much less pain. It's hard to be comforted by any form of the idea that I will never see her again, or hear her voice or feel her hugs - but I am if only because I know her suffering is over. And she is with some beloved beings, foremost her beloved pets - Gretchen, Heidi, Babi, and Choo Choo, who I know met her at the rainbow bridge.

I've taken great comfort from your support, my dear friends.. your words of love and understanding. It helps me to not feel so alone in the world... which, I can't help it, but I do to a degree, even though I have the most wonderful husband I could have ever wished for and a houseful of pets I couldn't breathe without.

For my Indiana friends, I will be coming there the week of April 11.
Though I tried to honour my mother's wishes, we are unable to donate her body to science because of the "miscommunication" with the F---ing funeral home. So she will be cremated and I will pick her up from Larry so that I can one day take her to places she only dreamed of going, yet could never manage to, such as Kauai where we got married.
I'll be staying at Elyse's.
Again, please keep mom in your thoughts and prayers. I know she is unafraid and is probably now the happiest she's ever been, but I want her to feel the love from us as she continues on...
all my love and gratitude... xoxo

Saintfranny blog recap

had another blog once upon a time, but i like the title of this one better, so gonna condense all those here for your viewing pleasure, if you so choose.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Monday Meme

Manic Monday's Theme:BED

1. If you could have any single kind of appliance attached to your bed, what you it be?

ummm, i'd like to invent a new one if i'm gonna do this at all - a combo dorm frig/microwave. Presto! all food needs met. true sloth - hail ye

2.If you could have a single button beside your bed that did one thing, what would you want it to do?

i'd like to invent something for this too - an automatic muter for the tv. as soon as commercials come on - tv goes mute, thus eliminating the need for me to scramble for the clicker under my laptop and mountain of things i'm reading all at once.
so, the single button would turn this auto muter on. :)

3 .If you could have any view in the world visible from your bed, what would it be?

the view from Princeville Resort in Kauai.

4. If you had to name the most beautiful bed you have ever occupied, what would it be?

unless i'm forgetting something, it would be at the Hotel Monaco in San Francisco.
though, that wasn't so much the bed, as the room in its entirety.

Friday, March 10, 2006

A fun list

<>4 Things I Need Every Morning
• to hug my dogs
• kiss goodbye from my sweetie
• breakfast
• laptop

4 Things that Turn Me Off
• christians
• republicans
• cranky old people - yes, i still hate my neighbor. bitch!
• unstable people

4 Things I Believe In
• my baby's love for me
• that i am living my life right now exactly as i'm meant to - wouldn't change a thing
• unconditional love for all animals, especially my 3 dogs and 3 cats
• the all-emcompassing and uniting and creative energy that is the Universe

4 Things I Am Afraid Of
• death, before i'm ready
• extreme heights - bungy jumping - no; skydiving - no; falling to the earth in a crashing plane - no thank you
• something happening to any of my loved ones
• chipping a tooth

4 Things I Do Everyday
• surf
• kiss my babies and my husband
• bath or shower (i do luv my 2 hour bubble baths)
• eat something sweet

4 Things I Want to Do Before I Die

hmmmmmm.... very interesting... will be pondering this long after i finish this list...
•
•
•
•

4 People I Want to See
• my friends Brini and Fi, Oprah, and..... think I'll hold onto that 4th choice for now.

4 Numbers that Rule My Life
2281966 - my bday; 1697 - day i met my honey online, and the day a year later he proposed; 9131997 - the day we met; 651999 - the day we married. :)

4 Favorite Colors
• pink
• green
• white
• reserving that choice for now too

no wait... red.. the color of my cave dwelling that is my bedroom. :)

3 Names You Won’t Answer to
• skipping this, b/c a lot of new people tend to call me a variation of my name, and it makes no nevermind to me nohow, and so far other names I'm called are very endearing to me. they are Di - by my girl; Franny - by my bosom buddy; gertrude/motor mouth - by my mom when i was little; sweetie/honey/baby/punkin/puppy - any and all things my sweetiehoneybabypunkinpuppy calls me. :)
• actually, there is one i don't care for - whenever my mom said 'dianalynn' - usually meant trouble was afoot.

3 Parts of Your Heritage

not that I know, because I have no Written proof of anything - thanks hillbilly family!
• Irish
• Welsh
• Cherokee

3 Things You are Wearing Right Now
• undies - der
• pajama bottoms - i'd live in them if i could... though, come to think of it, i've found a way to wear them most of the day lately :)
• pajama top - not matching, but always color coordinated with the bottoms :)

3 Favorite Songs
.... but not necessarily my top 3 ....
• september, by EWF
• Summer Wind, by Sinatra
• One Headlight, Jacob Dylan's band

3 of Your Hobbies
• any form of entertainment via media - surfing, tv/movies, magazines, books
• my furry babies
• organizing

adding a fourth - creative outlet, such as painting. we're currently redoing the basement, and i get lost for hours on end painting all of it to perfection. next up - touching up the whole rest of the house (considering i painted every surface of it when we moved in 3 years ago - def. some spots that need another going over)

3 Places You Want to Visit
• Ireland - check - going there this summer :)
• Greece
• Australia

3 Ways You are Unstereotypically Male/Female
• well, i think i'm pretty girly girl, but the only thing that comes to mind is i can cuss a storm when properly motivated (i.e. huge anger such as anytime i see my bitch neighbor)

The Birds Have Arrived!

what the hell - that's as good a reason as any to post.
Shit.
if i were a GOOD blogger, like megan is - I woulda taken some PICTURES of those dang ole birds who were swarming my backyard birdfeeder today!
crap.
note to self - ... well, you know what it is.

anyway.
sure haven't felt like posting lately have i?
and no, i'm Not going to use capital letters anymore unless i damn well feel like it. so deal.
i don't do it in IMs or email, so i ain't a'doin' it here neither.

Lotsa stuff has happened in the, oh, THREE months since last we visited.
what's most important??
oh let's just randomly tawk....

- we got a new kitty. her picture is above. her name is Reva. she came with the name rhonda, but i didn't like that.
long story short - i got an itch to get a new kitty. i Wanted a white and/or orange Kitten. so i started checking out petfinder.com.. or org. whatever it is.
then i checked my local news site - they do a shelter pet every tuesday.
i saw her picture.
she'd been in there for over a year. her kittens were long ago adopted, and she was still there.
i mean, that Face!
she wasn't white, or orange, or a kitten.. but, i knew she was destined to be mine.
so, applied for the adoption, got her later that week, and it's been, um, 5 or 6 weeks now and she's doing really well.
kept her closed off in her own room for the first week - she was really spazzy at first. had short visits with her. got her used to the feeling that she wouldn't have to go to petco every saturday anymore. then had longer visits. then started leaving the door open - gate up (WHY OH WHY do dogs like cat poop????). bella and chia started hopping to fence to visit. went mostly ok.
then, i took her in the bathroom with me one saturday when i took a long 2 hour bath. it was only then she realized i think that there was more to her new home than that one room. so slowly she started coming out and exploring little by little. then i stopped putting food in her room so she'd have to go downstairs where we feed the other two and get it there.
did i say long story short???
anyway. now her litter box has been moved to the basement, with the other two. (a 4th is in the bathroom up here, but only my crazy cat uses that one - it's a "Clever Cat" style - with a hole in the top of the lid, instead of the side like usual. keeps the poop eating beagle out, but so far also keeps out 2 of my 3 kitties.
so... she came in the bathroom today while i was drying my hair and circled my legs.. as cats do.
she tolerates me picking her up from her cozy bed and holding her in here in a big hug in my room while we watch tv - dogs and cats all around snoozing.
i wuv her.

- we are going to the UK in July to see LUCIANO PAVOROTTI!!!
my honey is So fucking awesome!
long story short -
(?)
i mentioned in dec. that i got a cd at starbucks that has a luciano song on it that i loved. mentioned that it would be cool to hear him in person one day - his voice Moves me.
(it also moves our two moms, but that's not actually my influence - i just luv what i luv ;))
um.. so... xmas prezzie day - he approaches with a "3 part gift".
ok.........
#1 - luciano cd - cool!
#2 - a book on etiquette and customs in Great Britain - ummmm..... HUH?????
#3 - a printout from ticketmaster of our tickets to see the Great One at Warwick Fucking Castle this summer!!! i mean, REALLY!!!
who woulda ever thought??????
blew me away.
so, now we need to book our flights soon and get busy doing homework on how best to use our time there. i think we're actually gonna do 4 days in UK and 6 days in Ireland.
our beloved dog Max was a Kerry Beagle, from, natch, County Kerry on the Green Isle, and so we have fantasies of researching his breed while there and finding ourselves a new little puppy max. don't know how realistic that is, but since i think i have irish roots (have i ever metioned my hillbilly family NEVER apparently kept track of the history of our heritage??), i wanna see the homeland and such.
so, that's fun. :)

- um... god. i know there's tons more to talk about. but it's after midnight and the ole sleepin pills are kicking in.

but, i will say this - i miss my fi - hope you're back online soon sweetie.
my husband's brother had a baby, and apparently i'm not supposed to give a shit, so i'm not gonna. dont miss him and apparently it's mutual, so fuck'em.
feel so grateful for my 3 other bestest friends who remembered my bday last week.
oh that.
yeah. i turned 40.
yippeefuckingyeah.
i'll stream of consciousness about that later.
still dealing.
so, hey, if you're here, drop me a howdy will ya?

p.s. - mark - get the FUCK outta my dreams man!
God!

Sunday, December 18, 2005

So, yeah......

I'm so unfocused right now.
Part of why I haven't been blogging. Don't know where to start, what to talk about...
much like my messy messy messy messy cluttered house. It's so messy and cluttered I can't think or see straight. I need to Seriously declutter and get my shit straight... but, Ohhhh the effort. And like, Every room needs stuff done to it!
Not to mention actually Cleaning shit!!!
Oy.

So, watched Hotel Rwanda last night. Took us forever to finally put it in the dang ole dvd player. Once in, I wanted to take it out. So hard to watch. Glad we did though.... decent happy ending in a gruesome tale.
Today I'm gonna watch my James Spader movie I've had forever and a Stewie Griffin special, and then in the mail they go so we can get new fun from Netflix!

It just feels like sometimes there's So much to do.. so much I'm behind on, so much that I FORGET I have to do, but know it's Something, lurking, waiting.... it just makes me positively inactive. Total inertia.
Which is odd.... in my jobs as a nanny or household manager or housesitter or whatever - I'm SO good at organizing and tidying up other people's shit. Excellent at it. And I feel a great sense of accomplishment when I do.
Like last week - I cleaned up Laura's dresser.
This entailed taking everything off, rearranging, even all her little jewelry boxes.. took ALL her jewelry out and put it on the bed, catagorized it, condensed it... and it made me feel SO good!
But when it comes to MY shit - WTF is wrong with me?????

I now have a lot of "free time", but where the fuck does it go???? How is it now that I have just ONE dog walking job to alllll day - granted, with travel, it takes about 2 hours, but, most days, I can just Barely manage to accomplish that! Like, seriously - nothing else gets done!

Part of the problem may be what's going on right now. My sleep schedule is erratic.
Went to bed on the late side - 1:00ish... woke at 6:00ish... now it's almost 8:00ish... I feel like once I finish here, and maybe surf a couple more blogs, I'll go back to sleep.. probably til noon or so, if I'm lucky... but then, that's more than half the daylight hours today... and I May, in two shifts, get a full night's sleep out of it. But then I'll lay here, watch tv, try to read, make us "breakfast"... maybe take a bath.... then it'll be dark! And my inclination to crawl back in bed and snuggle up for the night will kick in, and I'll have gotten NOTHING DONE!
We'll see how it goes, but I"m not predicting a good successful productive day.
Dammit.
Something else is going on here... maybe if I 'blog'/journal long enouogh, it will reveal itself to me.
I feel it lurking under the surface....
alas.... i Am feeling sleepy now.. so, gonna go noodle on it for a bit and see what I come up with.
Maybe my dreams will reveal all.
Or, if I"m lucky, James Spader will visit me and we'll make fantastic naughty love and I'll wake up in a great mood and ready to roll! ;)

Friday, December 02, 2005

Michael Hutchence :(

Watched the "Rock Star" show all summer... rooted for JD from the very beginning with his rendition of 'California Dreamin' (previously stated on this blog)....
in anticipation of their new album and the concert we're gonna go see in February, we've rented an INXS dvd from Netflix - Live Baby Live.
Actually, I wanted to see this after programming them into my Tivo and seeing a block of performances from them over the years with Michael.
WOW - what a performer he was.
I always did like him - thought he was totally hot, especially with longer hair... but I took for granted what an awesome and powerful singer he was, and a MAGNETIC performer. He owns the stage, the crowd, the music.... he's one with it.
Decided I wanted to see more of him, as I just have vague memories of the videos on MTV.

It just makes me so sad to watch though.
Had a similar sensation this afternoon - "Superfreak" by Rick James came on the radio, and I was like, Cool - and turned it up... realizing moments later - ohhhh, Rick's dead. :(
Still enjoy the song of course, but it takes away from it....

I'm sad to think he (Michael) had so many demons that he took a lot of drugs and got lost in himself, and ended up taking a life that should have gone on many many more years.
Watching him sing "Need you tonight" at the moment.... magnetic, mesmerizing, sexy as hell, funny, feminine yet totally all man....
Life is so unfair. Someone like him goes too soon, and there's still all these FUCKERS out there walking around, enjoying freedom and life and possibilities.

No clue about his daughter - Heavenly Hirani Tigerlily - but I hope she ends up ok. Both her parents gone.... at least she has all this video to watch and see a part of who her dad was.
I have a few small videos of my dad... helps me remember who he was, what he was like....

Looking forward to seeing the gorgeous JD. Absolutely think they chose the right one... if anyone can come close to inhabiting the space like Michael did, it's him. He just has to be himself and let the music flow over him and be one with it.
Plus.. I saw the group on the View the other day. What struck me is the other guys in the band look Happy, and enjoying themselves. Getting to know them a bit thru the tv show, they all seem really nice and I wish them great success with this new chapter.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Being Thankful

So, it's what they call Turkey Day in these here parts.
And this morning we've gotten our first snow of the year. Still coming down I reckon. Don't know cause I'm still all tucked in bed with 3 sleeping dogs surrounding me and a tryingtosleepmore spouse, curtains closed.
We got all the trimmings to make ourselves a nice feast today. Going to try my hand at making a pumpkin pie even. Though, thanks to last minute shopping, they were out of pumpkin pie spice, so that should be interesting.
Thought I'd start a new tradition for myself and list all the things I can think of that I'm thankful for today. Since I don't want to 'celebrate' what my English ancestors did to the Native Americans 4 score and many more years ago, will suffice to count my blessings as the holiday season progresses and I look forward to a new exciting year of life.

I'm grateful for:
- my sweetie. 8+ years together, 6 1/2 married, haven't for a moment doubted that I picked the right one. He was so worth waiting for. My darling Kate despairs, at the age of 15, of all the jerky idiot boys she has to put up with in high school right now. I tell her - be selective, picky,and patient. I was 33 when I got married and I don't regret a single day of my single life before. It happens when it's meant to - IF you really *listen* to the Universe.
- my babies. Lucy, Trixie, Lady, Chia and Bella. And my beloved Fartman, Max. Ohhhhh I still miss him so. Thought of him the other day when it thundered for a minute - instinctually wondered if he heard it and that I should get home to him pronto. Til I remembered he wasn't there anymore. :(
- all the other furbabies I know and love. Thumbelina, Thaddeus, Casey, Shelby, all my zogs that I walked last year - I miss them.... Luke, Kelsey, Jake, Sammi, Samantha, Jack, Tucker, Chamois, Madison, the Greyhounds and their Staffordshire brother. Mom's zogs, Choo Choo and Charlotte. Gemini - RIP. Elyse's Shelby and Katie. And every other furbaby I've ever met, and those I haven't. And all the others who have let me love them, may they rest in peace - Heidi, Pepi, Heidi, Babi, Gretchen, Sunny, Ruby, Sam, Lady, Jesse, Sophie, Oliver, Kippy, Angel, Abby, Gus...............................................................................................................................................................
- My darling Kate
- and of course Chris Geoff and Laura. The family I never had.... I'll know and love this one forever.
- my momma. And the fact that she TRULY has done a 180 with herself. Talked to her last night, and she listed allll the foods she's making today, all the nifty kitchen gadgets she's wanting now that she's cooking again. We have more *good* talks than not nowadays. She actually seems sorta Happy! I never thought I'd see the day. The hope I'd had for her I'd actually lost, just before she found it herself. Seeing that - I know that ANYTHING in life is possible, if you set your mind to it.
- my wonderful stepdad Larry. He's been so good to my mom all these years, and treats me like his own daughter. Am so glad he came into mom's life.
- my beautiful yellow house. My *home*. I love it. I loved it the first day we saw it, and we truly have made it a Home. We'll probably always have a project list, of little things to tinker with and fine tune, but, if we're gonna live in Rhode Island, this is the place for me.
I love the bathtub, the fireplace, the all enclosed fence we put up, the garden we put in this year, all the walls I've painted, all the fab projects sweetie has done including our fab kitchen, and our new fab neighbors - oh, and their Bandit!! I forgot that sweet lil Jack Russell! *smoosh*
- my good good friends. Elyse, Katia, Sabrina.... Michele and Darla....Sunny...Scott...Don....
- Kate's little girlfriends - I love those girls. Bianca, Belle, Ashley, Rachel.... and all the others.
- ebay. :)
- my college degrees.
- getting to Go to college - twice. Completely different experiences - wouldn't trade a day. Well, maybe a few, but....
- the beautiful house I lived in in Nashville for 6 years. What a life.
- all my travels. Driving from Indiana to California and back twice. 3 of those legs completely by myself. Life changing.
- getting married in Kauai on the beach. Only regret no one was present for *me*.
- our planned 10th anniv. trip back to Kauai. Am hoping a few people come along for the ride this time.
- Oprah.
- Madonna... Julia Roberts.... and all other entertainers I admire and actually respect.
- Tivo. :)
- Netflix.
- my magazines and books. Yes, my cup currently runneth over, but, I Love that I love to read.
- chick blogs. Love reading them. Love those gals and how they tell their truth.
- my families - though I currently don't talk to any of them. The Harpers - what a shame.
The Vances - shame on you. Dolores and Steven - well, I miss my brother. Mom's family - your loss.
- my dad. Even though he was a lying cheating hypocritical bastard, he was my daddy. He loved me the best he could I suppose, and I'll always miss him. Esp. with so many things left unsaid and unresolved.
- Living in San Francisco for 2 years.
- learning to appreciate living in Rhode Island, even though it's taken me 6 years to do so.
- beaches.
- flowers.
- music.
- people who forgive me. Who love me sometimes in spite of myself.
- learning to let go of people who aren't positive influences.
- standing up for myself, regardless of the consequence.
- my Vue. :)
- the fact that, right now, more or less, I have a perfectly working, functioning body.
- that Katia came to visit me recently. What a wonderful experience.
- my ability to take a couple trips next year - to visit Sabrina in Alabama, to have mom come visit me here for a while, maybe to visit Sunny in Boulder....
- the child spirit who hovers above me, waiting for me to decide it's time for her to be born.
- the fact that George Bush has less than 3 years left in office. God help us.
- Air America radio (even though Providence recently DROPPED it!!), and all other outlets like it.
- The Bold and the Beautiful. :) The one remaining soap I still watch, and now have sweetie watching with me.
- all my other fave tv shows. I Love tv, ok???? It doesn't mean Anything other than that!
I look forward to watching them and miss them when they go.
- my two second level parents - my mother in law and my step dad. They're good people and I appreciate that they love me.
- air conditioning.
- Starbucks and Whole Foods.
- seeing the mailman come up my street.

well, that's a good start. I may come back to this and add to later on.
Things aren't perfect, I mess up, but, I'm grateful for what I've got, the person I've chosen to be, and those who have helped and supported me in the past, and who love me now.
Oh, two more:
- having hope that Bush won't completely fuck Everything up before he's outta there, and I can be Proud of the U.S. again,
and
- all my blog friends. Small group that it is - the ones whom I visit and the ones who visit me - EVEN THOUGH NONE OF THEM LEAVE ME COMMENTS!!!!!!
(i check my site meter people.. I Know where you are! Can't ya just give me a small holler every now and then?? Please????)
;)

Cheers, people.
Find things, little and big, in your own life to be grateful for. Not just today - but every day you draw breath and see the open sky above you.

Sports Injuries

See me here? I am holding a golf club.
Note the smile? This is before I've actually used it. I'm just happy cause it's Pink!
My sweetie wants me to play with him next year... he has a regular crew most weekends now - work buddies - but he says he'd Still like me to play with him! Go figure! I thought he'd WANT the boy-playtime-awayfromtheballandchain! ;)

So, anyhoo, he bought me this nifty girl set from Target and we went to the driving range Sunday to break these in and see if I can actually HIT the ball.

Well, turns out I can... I did somewhat ok. There were at least a few balls that actually went out, up and straight. I have NO idea how that happened, but it was a nice occasional mistake. ;)
I finally got fatigued after hitting about, oh, 438 balls, and let sweetie hit the rest of mine.
The next day, had a bit of tenderness in my upper abs and forearm. To be expected. Nothing to prevent me from doing Taebo - felt great.
Tuesday, noticed a 'catch' in my back on the right side. Hmm.
Wednesday - well, a little stiff in the back still, but, Taebo calls!
At the 26 minute mark (a new record), took a water and catching my breath break... then decided it was a potty break... I was already coming down from the workout high enough to think, eh, do I Really want to finish the workout? Well, I planned to, until I found myself Very Nearly unable to get up off the toilet! As in, Can't Stand! As in, I'm all hunched over with that spot in my back Torturing me with pain like I've never felt, having me panting for breath, and making like a contortionist to figure out How exactly to get upright again without just falling over and writhing in pain like the lady on tv who fell and couldn't get up!
OMG.
Clearly, the workout was over for the day. Hopped in the shower - minute by minute it just got worse and worse. Couldn't even properly bend over to wash my calves with the scrubbie! Had to LIFT my knee while holding onto the wall to even come close. And flipping my hair over to rinse it like I usually do? Hah!
This is getting serious now. Minutes ago, I was punching and kicking like a warrior. Now I can barely move. Hmmm.
Still had to go walk Casey... was interesting trying to hold him on the leash and bend over to pick up the poo. Didn't fall though.
Finished my walk with him....gave lots of love to him and Mittens. I love him so much. What a muffin. I'm thinking I may quit doing it though. His dad, Richard, is a bit of an ass. Always accusing me of doing things, like losing the leash, letting the cat out, not locking the door, or, in the case of Tuesday night when he called me at home - accusing of Locking the door, so the plumber couldn't get in that afternoon. Wow - the NERVE of me! Making sure the door was secure on a million dollar house on the water, filled with expensive crap AND his two pets. Yeah, I'm a real idiot Richard! Thanks A) for letting me KNOW thru my mindreading capabilities that you wanted the door left open and B) calling me in a huff and ruining my evening.
With winter coming, and it taking me about 2 hours to do this every day, for 20 bucks - nice as it is to have that tiny bit of extra cash (when he remembers to pay me), I think I'm going to have to bid adieu soon.
Anyhoo... as the day progressed, I got worse and worse. 5 advil and a migraine pill later - not much better. We had to go to the store to get Tday dinner fixins last night - could barely get out of the car.
Fast forward... took a Valium from the stash mom gave me long ago, cranked up the heating pad to high - slept somewhat decently. I think I may be able to move like the almost 40 yr old I am, instead of the 80+ yr old I was yesterday.
Will I be up for Taebo tomorrow morning? The jury is out.
I will not be deterred though! I have my semi-monthly weigh in and measuring to do on Monday!
I suppose it's good to find out NOW that I'm in way worse shape than I thought, so I can Taebo my ass off all winter and have a modicum of a chance of being able to actually play a round of golf next summer.